What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail… He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing. — Albert Brooks in Broadcast News
As a devout Broncos fan and an even devouter agnostic, I’ve realized that Tim Tebow is not, contrary to popular belief, an angel, or a god, or even a cherub. He is evil incarnate, Satan himself. Want proof?
1.Look at what happened to Josh McDaniels. Tebow was drafted way ahead of where he should have been by McDaniels in 2010, and the Broncos traded three picks to move up and get him. It was, by any calculus, a questionable decision at the time. But Satan/Tebow wanted to set up shop in Colorado (see point #3 below) and he forced McDaniels’ hand on draft day. Eight months later, McDaniels was shown the door; the failure of the so-called “Tebow experiment” was one of the reasons. Then, having no further purpose for McDaniels, Satan/Tebow banished him to St. Louis to become the quarterbacks coach for a horrible player (Sam Bradford) on a horrible team (the 2-11 Rams). That’s some evil shit.
2. His similar treatment of Kyle Orton. When 2010 began, Orton was coming off a very respectable season in which he set career highs in yardage, touchdowns, and QB rating. He was a beast in fantasy football. With a rookie Tebow watching from the sideline in 2010, Orton’s numbers got even better. After twelve games, though, Tebow had seen enough, and arranged for Orton to suffer a season-ending injury (the first of many, as you’ll see… keep reading). Tebow would finish the season as Denver’s starting QB, and usurp Orton as the full-time starter in Week 5 of 2011. But simply relegating Orton to the bench was not enough for Tebow. As only an evil entity could, he managed to get Orton waived by Denver and claimed by lowly Kansas City, where Orton was doomed to play out the stretch. But even this was not as it seemed. Perhaps crossing the line with regards to his necessary dispensation of malevolence, Tebow arranged for Orton to suffer a thumb injury on his first play as a Chief, and miss two games. Dick move.
3. Having lost Republican control of the White House in 2008, Satan/Tebow sent himself to Denver. Smart move here by the Anti-Christ. Colorado voted Obama in ’08 and has officially become a “swing state.” An hour to the South of Denver is Colorado Springs, home to all those mega-churches and, as Harper’s called it, “mecca to the radical right.” Tebow’s arrival was also a symbolic repossession of Mile High Stadium [or whatever it’s called], tainted with Liberal stink ever since the 2008 DNC.
(On a side note, If you don’t think Tebow’s going into politics after his career, think again. The guy is Presidential in every sense of the word. Attractive and charismatic. A natural leader. And by all accounts, he’s Clintonesquely “good in a room.” Meet Tebow, and he treats you like you’re the biggest star in the room, and he’ll remember your name forever. There are two ex-NFL-ers in Congress right now; in 1996 Jack Kemp was the VP on the Republican ticket! So brace yourselves.)
Simply put, Tebow owns Colorado. (Read that quote from Broadcast News again and tell me I’m wrong). While he languished on the bench (with the gift of hindsight, we now know he was sand-bagging all along), Coloradans began a rabid grassroots pro-Tebow movement, going so far as to buy public billboards begging head coach John Fox to start playing him. Now Tebow has an entire time zone ready to homeschool their children, outlaw abortion, and throw footballs poorly.
4. The power of Tebow compels any NFL player who stands in his way to sin against his team and fanbase.First we had the absolute miracle in Miami. Fine; that was all his doing. But in the last four weeks, Tebow’s begun ratcheting up the poor play of his opponents in a way that only the Anti-Christ possibly could:
Week 11 vs. Jets: Mark Sanchez lets the Broncos back in the game with a brutal 3rd-quarter pick-six;
Week 12 vs. Chargers: Nick Novak misses two field goals: one in the 4th quarter, and another in overtime;
Week 13 vs. Vikings: Christian Ponder throws two horrendous interceptions: one returned for a touchdown; the other, deep in Vikings territory with less than two minutes to play in a 32-32 tie;
Week 14 vs. Bears: Marion Barber just fucking shits the bed.
Do these actions sound like free will? Sound to you like the divine intervention of a benevolent God? Don’t be surprised this Sunday if Tom Brady goes 1-for-17 with four INT’s, kicks the referee in the groin, and makes out with Vince Woolfork on the sidelines. With Tim Tebow, all bets are off. (By the way, if ever any athlete was going to verify my theory, and say to reporters in his postgame press conference, “I’d like to apologize to all my fans, but that was not me out there. The Devil made me do it,” it would have to be Barber. But Satan/Tebow had thought this through — Barber has refused to talk to the media all season, and wasn’t about to start doing so Sunday).
5. “Tebowing.” From the people who brought you “planking.”
6. He has entered into an unholy alliance with Matt Prater.There is no way any mortal man can routinely make all of these ridiculous field goals; the only rational explanation is that Prater has sold his soul to Tebow. It’s not just that Prater is making 50-plus-yard field goals at the gun routine; it’s how fucking easy he’s making it look:
Week 7: a 52-yarder in OT that hit near the top of the net;
Week 12: a game-tying FG with 1:33 to go, and the game-winner in OT;
Week 13: a 46-yarder to tie it with 1:33 left, and the game-winner at the gun;
Week 14: a 59-yarder (!) to tie it with :03 left, and a 51-yarder to win in OT (that hit the net 2/3 of the way up).
The funny thing is, Prater’s stats aren’t all that great — but when Tebow absolutely, positively needs him to win a game, the two exchange a knowing glance, and the deed is done.
7. He injures other players. Not by running into them or anything; the Tebow way is to do it from afar. First, it was the two Orton injuries mentioned above. Since assuming starting duties this year, he’s been going down the schedule, orchestrating injuries to their opponents’ best players. Adrian Peterson missed the game against the Broncos. Last week, both Jay Cutler and Matt Forte were on the sidelines. But Tebow’s had a lot on his plate lately, and must have forgotten about New England. So don’t be surprised if, in the early going Sunday, Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski are involved in a horrific collision over the middle in which one guy’s tibia is poking out through his skin, and the other guy is dead.
8. He is a virgin, and proud of it. Catholic dogma frowns on pre-marital sex, so in that regard Tebow is the perfect role model for all that is Holy. I would argue, however, in the year 2011, a righteous God would WANT us single folks to have hot, dirty sex. But now a whole generation of hormonal, libidinous young men are idolizing perhaps the world’s most famous virgin. Point, Devil.
9. John Elway’s not buying Tebow’s shtick for one second. In interviews, he steadfastly refuses to say anything along the lines of “Tebow’s our guy.” Viewing games from the luxury box, he looks more like a guy watching his drunken girlfriend table-dance than the proud G.M. of a team with a six-game winning streak. And if John Motherfucking Elway — my boyhood idol, the face of the franchise on which I staked my entire emotional well-being during childhood — smells a rat, then God damn it, there’s a rat.
10. Sports Illustrated has him on the cover this week. Don’t get me wrong. The past two months have been nothing short of magical for any Broncos fan. Regardless of how this season turns out, it already compares to the Super Bowl Seasons of 1986, 1987, and 1989 around which my then-life revolved; and the three-year stretch from 1996-1998 when we finally broke through, won two Super Bowls, and routinely bludgeoned other teams on Sundays.
But there’s no way this can continue without the universe breaking. That’s why The Man Upstairs has called in perhaps the biggest gun of all, something against which there is no known cosmic defense: the SI Cover Jinx.