“Is That Your Dog?” & way too much Idol analysis

I heard this question walking out of Dunkin’ Donuts this morning and panicked, but only for a split-second — it was raining, therefore my car windows were up, and therefore my dog couldn’t have been Snooting around in traffic. Phew.  A quick glance out to the parking lot confirmed that he was doing his usual thing, namely, sitting in the driver’s seat and staring into the store.

I turned to the guy who asked — a local, blue-collar, 40-year-old who was in line — and said, “yeah.” Maximizing his Boston accent, he tilted his head slightly and said “beauuu-tiful.” Fifteen seconds later, Snoots was, apparently, still on his mind. Just as I reached my car, he ran to the door of the restaurant and yelled across the parking lot, “Is it a boy or a girl?” A boy; and now, kind Sir, if you have reached the end of your Snoot-related questions, I have a dog to walk, and a waffle sandwich to maul.

Idol… yikes. That was pretty much what I was hoping this show would not become, namely, sitting around for two hours waiting for Crystal and The Siobhan to get up there. But even before then, we had to endure a Bataan Death March of “judges’ highjinks.” The touching. The gay innuendo. The chair-stealing. Just. Fucking. Stop it.

My pick to win it all, Lee, started it off with a decent cover of “Letter”; the chicks loved it and so did the judges (cha-ching!).

"Sorry, Rachel -- this just isn't working for me."

Then the director rolled the first-ever snuff film shot in Hi-Def, in which Paige slowly and excruciatingly disemboweled the theme from “Against All Odds.” (Even my roommate,who was focused on his iPhone throughout the entire episode, chimed in with a “jeez.”) I kept imagining Jeff Bridges and Rachel Ward filming one of that movie’s (rather hot) sex scenes, with Paige’s song playing in the background to “help get them in the mood,” only it having the exact opposite effect, leading to the director “taking five” and huddling with his stars.

We got a solid forty-five seconds of Guest Mentor Miley Cyrus telling us that Tim did not, in fact, have a personality problem, and that he was, in fact, cool and relaxed. Cut to… Tim wearing a blue-and-white striped shirt under a sharkskin jacket… singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Now I’ve only been watching this show for 4.5 years, but that song is done — poorly — every year, always by a guy with little-to-no talent and a shit-eating grin who then gets ripped by the judges for his song choice. To sing it is to fail. And nothing, not even the Awesomest Stage-Slide Ever, can change that.

Little Aaron. Steadily gaining confidence and momentum… and am I crazy, or did I sense a love connection between him and Miley? That little smile of hers after your performance belied something not-so-innocent, Aaron, if you know what I mean. And you don’t.

Crystal. Joplin. You do the math. And if you want extra credit with that, click here. And how about that “I have big plans for next week” line? Maybe she’ll stray from her area rug and give the old Tim Urban Stage-Slide a try. (And I love how she quickly added “if I’m still around.” She’s the best.)

Miley gave, in my opinion, her one truly awful nugget of advice to Andrew, suggesting that he lose the guitar. Umm, Miley, did you see what happened last week? He was so bad this week that the judges began wondering whether his unplugged version of “Straight Up” had been a fluke. Don’t they work in the industry that coined the phrase “one-hit wonder”?

Thoughts on Miley Cyrus’ work? I thought she was incredibly composed and professional (given her age)… and therefore assume that she probably never had a “childhood.” It’s depressing, especially to those whose childhood has extended well into their late thirties.

That small wonder, Katie, keeps trying to “act her age.” This week she’s sporting a peace-sign tank top and pink suspenders, which is all the rage among Connecticut high-schoolers.

It would be fun to get high with Casey.

I was apparently the only one who loved Didi’s cover of “You’re No Good.” A nice complement to last week’s performance. Didi is downright sexy, and if she wants to slink up against an upright bass, then by gum, let her.

The Siobhan meets Miley in full-on Weird Mode, glasses, slow speech, and all. Call it the meeting of Performance Artist and Performance Autist. The Siobhan says she’s doing Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition” — a gritty, urban, black song from the early Seventies. Naturally, her hair and make-up is suburban, white and mid-Eighties. And, naturally, it works.

Now it’s your turn to write about Lost.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to ““Is That Your Dog?” & way too much Idol analysis

  1. nana Debi

    I am in total agreement here, Crystal is awesome, and I think she will win it all but will come down to her and Lee. My only wish is that they could kick off 3 next week, Paige, not sure how she made it this far other then she’s cute and has a great smile, Tim who has great dimples but no voice and then there is Andy, what the hell?? he sucks, always did!!! Get them all off.

  2. Wendy

    how scary that moment must have been, to think of Snooter out in traffic? But natch, he would NEVER behave in such an undignified manner. Unlike my parents’ dogs, one of whom escaped once and was discovered by a stranger alongside the HIGHWAY. Something about a little black poodle alongside I-71 seemed suspicious, I guess.
    Who do you think goes home tonight? I need to pick someone…
    xoxo
    Wendy

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